10/22/2005

Finding the Flow

The downside of not being able to keep up on my blog is that I get out of the flow of things and right now there's a really cool thread weaving around the blogs I read about images of beauty and femininity. Since I'm the last to the party, I figure y'all know already where to find such wisdom and treasure. I'll be adding to the mix, but I had to clear a few things off my own porch first...

Porch, you ask? I once wrote a story about a lola named Corazon who firmly believed that to keep luck at the door and keep away bad things, you have to keep your porch clean and well swept. Well, like an absent occupant, there are quite a few things that have built up on my porch since departing a few weeks ago...

There's the family-of-origin stuff which made for great anxiety - everyone is okay now, but if I don't see the inside of a hospital for a while I'll be a happy camper. Life is too fragile, too complex for me sometimes, and keeping up hope while trying to be clear headed about the pros and cons of treatments, the aftercare necessary after procedures, the encouragment of lifestyle changes that will likely go unheeded, while trying to keep my parents psychologically in one piece...

Open ended - these sentences are open ended because I crave a certain closure to the last few weeks, but every time I think there is closure, something else breaks open. And often this opening is good, like with my writing, but at the same time, all these open doors and windows create a certain sense of vulnerability, exposure, that's a bit stressful right now.

I'm feeling terribly old and responsible today, perhaps even burdened, but that might just be a tiredness from running on adrenaline for over a week.

At the same time of wanting closure, I crave space, openess, looseness to my day. Everything seems connected to everything else and it's hard to keep track of it all.

The Fall is deepening though, and that's a hopeful thing. I love Fall for its colors, its slowing to stillness, its coolness. But there are things to do, always things to do - Halloween costumes, All Saints Day costumes, fundraisers, scouting events, birthdays, shopping for birthdays...and this Fall I start teaching online too, which for the pocketbook is a good thing, but from a coordination standpoint a bit crazy. Okay, a lot crazy.

I do have things to look forward to, though, like a spa weekend with my cousin, and maybe, just maybe enough courage to really dig into my writing. Hard to say, but my class is helping break some stuff open about performance anxiety and the proper use of Will. My mentors are right there with me too, although the cast has shifted slightly, so I'm learning new patterns through those relationships.

I'm really enjoying the letter writing Ver started, and other things from the community have come to me, bringing good opportunities for expanding my spiritual praxis.

I need to buy myself a Slinky too....how else to meditate on life as both circular in the moment and yet linear over time?

*chuckle* okee...feeling like the porch is a bit cleaner...thanks for dropping by.

1 comment:

Gura said...

We got two metal slinkys for a wedding gift. Too bad our place doesn't have steps. We may have to construct a stairway of books to race the slinkys down.